Beloved & Sober: My Year without Drinking

Today, I have been alcohol-free for one year.   I didn’t have a problem with drinking.  I wasn’t an alcoholic. There was no rock bottom. I just slowly realized that I didn’t like my relationship with alcohol and had outgrown it.  

For many months prior to my last drink, the Lord had been planting seeds in my heart that alcohol didn’t serve me well. I began to consider that I could be healthier and happier without it.  I knew alcohol wasn't good for me and alcoholism ran in my family. While I didn't have a drinking problem, I was starting to have problem with drinking. It was something I did because I liked the implications, but was growing to dislike the impact.

While no stranger to alcohol, it was not a part of my day-to-day life in my twenties and thirties. After turning forty and marrying Ralph, I learned to love a glass of wine. I remember being wildly influenced by the TV series "Brothers and Sisters". They had fabulous wine glasses and seemed to open a new bottle every ten minutes. Wine felt glamorous and adult. I began to associate a few glasses of wine in the evening with feeling accomplished and successful. Ralph loves a "refreshment" and a bottle per night several nights a week was not unusual for us in my forties. Two glasses of wine easily became 3-4 drinks if we were at a party or on vacation. Day-drinking and wineries and a-little-drunk-at-the-beach made for great stories.

The shift was slow. Some shame-faced mornings after drinking too much. A new Sober Mom influencer (@suzannewarye) brought a fresh and appealing glamour to sobriety. A growing number of grandbabies encouraged me to want to feel at my energetic best. Greater healing from trauma and shame gave me a new heart to let myself be loved. I felt called to always show up as the hands and feet of Jesus. When drinking, I questioned how well I was doing that even after just one glass of wine. I couldn’t reconcile holiness with being tipsy or drunk and especially after launching my ministry, I wanted to be fully authentic. I didn't see how I could speak about healing and freedom on a Saturday morning and go to bed tipsy Saturday night. I wanted to be the best I could be at all times — for myself, my family, and my mission.

Please know that none of this is a judgement on anyone else who drinks. This was just me — my body, my metabolism, my history, my genetics, and my calling.  

The tipping point came when I began taking Wellbutrin for anxiety and depression in April 2024. Over the next few months, there were three separate occasions when I experienced horrific hangovers and blackouts.  I began to fear that I did have a problem with alcohol. After the third occasion waking up with a debilitating hangover and no memory of the evening before, I researched the medication. I discovered I was not the only one to experience bad interactions between Wellbutrin and alcohol. I learned that Wellbutrin slowed my body's sensitivity to alcohol so that 2 drinks felt like 4. One website described that Wellbutrin and alcohol affect brain chemistry in conflicting ways, resulting in a roller-coaster of highs followed by significant crashes. Wellbutrin also slows the metabolism of alcohol in the liver so that drinks feel more potent and the hangovers much worse. I felt so validated and relieved that I was not, in fact, an alcoholic. These new facts, however, were all the encouragement I needed. I stopped drinking that day. While the medication interference sealed the deal, the soil of my heart had been prepared and I downloaded the “I am Sober” app and wrote my sobriety pledge. I stepped into a new landscape of being fully and freely myself. 

I wasn’t sure when I began my journey if it would be forever. It was, as they say, one day at a time. But sobriety revealed a lot of issues that alcohol covered up.  I struggled to feel “fun” without drinking. I realized how much I relied on feeling tipsy to help me feel more comfortable in social situations, and how much I liked that … and didn’t like that I liked it. Cocktails felt celebratory.  Wine glasses made me feel special.  It felt heavy to have been relying on altering my state of mind to feel more likable or to have more fun.

As the months went on, there were many moments when I lamented to my husband how much I wanted a drink. Sunday morning mimosas or the icy-cold cosmo at Bonefish. Times I could imagine exactly how that first swallow of cold wine would feel warm in my belly or that cold martini glass in my hand. Honestly, it scared me. Those moments felt like addiction even though they were rare. Those moments reminded me that I did not want to be dependent on anything or anyone to help me be me. I wanted to feel fully alive just the way God made me.

I was surprised by how much I relied on the sobriety app. It was gratifying to check-in with myself every few weeks and to click the button for each day I had not had a drink. When there were times I felt tempted to take a sip or have a drink, I thought of that silly app and the pledge I made to myself. Loving myself with relentless consistency was new to me, but felt so, so good.

I slowly grew more comfortable with my natural personality and being sober in settings where others were not. I had fresh eyes to enjoy holiday mornings without mimosas. I started drinking diet ginger-ale in a wine glass in the evenings to feel fancy.  I chose to stay away from mocktails because I wasn’t trying to fit into drinking culture, but rather finding exciting and fulfilling new ways to live outside of it.  

By the sixth month mark, I knew sobriety was here to stay.  I was so proud of myself and my commitment to my sobriety pledge. I was done with alcohol and its empty promise that I would have more fun and be more fun with a few drinks in me. I didn’t need it and I respected the new path I was learning to walk. For me, being clear-headed and the best version of myself was more important than any cocktail — even cosmos and cranberry mimosas.  I felt like a kid when I reached each new milestone on my app and got a digital trophy or graphic confetti. I kept my journey largely private, but shared these celebrations with Ralph. It feels so good to offer myself this kindness and care.

And yes, my husband still drinks but less than he used to. I have called him out on some comments and perspectives that are deeply entrenched in alcohol-culture.  We made some shifts in habits and routines we had as a couple around alcohol, but it has only been good for our relationship and he has been my greatest support and encouragement   — even after yelling at him for not warning me of the medication side-effects as a doctor. I teach him new things every day. 

Oh my friends, the Lord is always calling us closer to his heart. I didn’t expect this part of the Journey of the Beloved, but for me, learning to let myself be loved required a clear mind and a clean body. No crutches, no cover-ups, no hiding. I am currently wrestling with another dependency -- diet coke. Also unhealthy. Also adds no value to my life, but a ridiculous enjoyment I can't explain and am not quite ready to let go of. Maybe soon or someday. Stay tuned.

Join me on the Journey of the Beloved— you don’t have to be alcohol-free, just curious and courageous enough to open your heart to the great adventure of your life with your eyes wide-open … freedom, healing and joy are not just possible, they are the promise! 

Let yourself be loved. Here's to another year of the Beloved adventure.

PS -- My photo gallery shows how much fun sober can be! Sober at the Lake, Sober at the Beach, Sober Christmas Morning, Sober with Grandbabies, Sober Skiing, and Sober Easter!